When I started pole in 2009, I was a trickster, captivated by the thrill of performing and competing. At that time, pole dance was my escape, a way to shield myself from the difficulties of the real world. I was entranced by the challenges it presented, constantly craving more tricks and more competitions, driven by a relentless feeling of inadequacy.
My personal life mirrored this chaos, marked by toxic relationships that seemed to follow one another. To avoid confronting my feelings, I would always be surrounded by people and drink a lot socially. The truth was, I had never learned how to acknowledge, let alone process, my emotions.
I was trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, disliking both my body and myself. Yet, as I continued my pole journey, something remarkable happened. It slowly transformed from a mere distraction to a tool of empowerment. Through pole dance, I not only gained physical strength but also began to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence. It was the first step in a profound transformation that led me to confront my shadows and embark on a journey of self-discovery.
Opening my pole studio ignited a fire within me. I became a workaholic, driven by the desire for success. It was a relentless pursuit, and I poured my heart and soul into building something extraordinary. Little did I know that this venture would become a catalyst for profound personal growth. Through the studio, I not only honed my pole skills but also learned the value of dedication and discipline, however, I was still functioning in my old fast-paced mindset of “I need to do more all the time”. Can’t stop, won’t stop!
The world-changing event of the global shutdown brought an unexpected twist to my journey. It was during this time that I decided to get pregnant, a big commitment that forced me to slow down and reevaluate everything. Suddenly, I had to confront my life, my values, my needs, and desires.
As someone accustomed to performing at a high level and keeping myself constantly busy, I grappled with a loss of identity, especially as a pole studio owner unable to engage in intense pole training and having to shutdown the business temporarily. The idea of closing the studio also loomed as a daunting possibility. However, this period of uncertainty and transformation became a pivotal moment for me.
During this hiatus, I started taking full ownership of my life, especially knowing that I would bring my first child into this world. I wanted to become the best parent for my baby. I embraced accountability and responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I sought guidance from a life coach and therapist, integrating shadow work and pussy reclamation courses. Listening closely to my pregnant body’s needs, I prioritized rest and nurtured my self-care practice. In this process, I discovered the softness and femininity inherent in pole and sensual movement. It became my way of expressing myself, a means to move erotic energy, a conduit for healing, and a pathway to feel my emotions.
My relationship with pole dance has evolved over the years, and I’ve discovered that it’s not just about mastering tricks or competing; it’s a path to unveiling my shadows and embracing my true self. Through shadow work, I’ve learned to confront the hidden aspects of my psyche, to understand and heal old wounds, and to love myself unconditionally. The pole is no longer just a stage for my performances; it’s a sacred space where I tap into my inner strength, authenticity, and erotic energy.
This October, as Halloween creeps in, we explore the theme of Shadows Unveiled. This process allows you to confront and integrate your “shadow,” which may consist of repressed emotions, unresolved traumas, and aspects of yourself that you may not want to acknowledge. By engaging in this self-exploration, you gain self-awareness, healing, and personal growth. Shadow work serves as a valuable tool for your own self-discovery and self-improvement journey. This month, I invite you to peel back the layers of your soul, embrace your shadows, reclaim all the parts of you that were lost and emerge as your most empowered, authentic erotic self.
Own your energy,